Peter 5:8 – “Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the evil one walks about like a roaring lion, seeking who he may devour.”

I found one of my hens dead in their enclosed chicken run. I went into a shock and went through the motions of allowing the other two hens to say goodbye in their own way.  I sat and talked quietly with them.

As I was processing my grief, I thought back over how I found her. She didn’t just lay down and die, it appeared that she may have fallen and broken her neck. As I thought about the events, the timing was between putting out crushed ice and going back to spend time with them. They love ice chips to eat and stand in the cold water.

When I had poured out the ice in the containers, a lot of it fell to the ground and on the wall. As I was reflecting on it, I was praying that the Lord would show me what had happened. The thought came that Hei Hei had somehow slipped on the ice chips either on the ground or on the wall. It caused her to react and I think she may have somehow flown and ended up hitting the camellia bush where I found her at the bottom. I have no proof of that other than my own thoughts. No matter how it happened, the intent was to get me to blame myself and shut down inside. Not address the emotions or thoughts that were coming at me. The Accuser of the brethren (the devil) was at work. “Don’t let anyone know what you did that might have possibly caused the death.”

The case against my guilt was reminding me of my carelessness and rush to get back inside out of the heat, I lost my favorite chicken. We cuddled and she was quite a character. She demanded her attention before anyone else. She would stand at my feet waiting to be picked up. I had spent a long time that morning with her on my lap as she looked at me full in my face and gave me a peck on my face. She was my “affectionate one.”When the thoughts came, I tried to rationalize what happened, justify it, deny it and realized that I needed to address it “head on.”

My first experience with TRUTH before the Lord began with my back surgery. After confessing that I was healed from back pain (which showed up later as a bulging disc), I ended up in Back Surgery. I spent a lot of time in bed as I was recovering at home. I asked the Lord why I wasn’t supernaturally healed. In a very quiet voice, I heard “You didn’t want to be healed.” TRUTH

I knew that the Lord was speaking and my immediate response was, “I can’t tell anyone that. What will they think?” His response, “Yes, you can because there are many people in denial just like you.”

People had prayed for me and laid hands on me for healing. I even found myself on the stage floor during a Kenneth Hagen meeting (a well-known evangelist/minister) and physically carried off the stage to the car by a friend that had been with the group. The next morning after the meeting, I woke up still in pain. I went to meet my mentor and friend angry that I wasn’t healed. The words the Lord spoke through him was, “Would you trust God to heal you even if it was in the middle of a department store?” (In other words, are you willing to trust, believe and rely on Him enough that He will heal you His way which would be the best way?)

The question seemed nonsensical and I thought “WHAT?”. Trust was not a word in my vocabulary at that time department store or no department store.  Shaken by truth, unable to answer immediately with a “YES”, I finally said “NO!” “I don’t know how to trust Him. I want to.”  I asked the Lord to teach me. The ‘Trust’ issue was settled when God spoke to me during a time of ministry when He said, “I have given you a new heart and I will teach you how to trust Me!”

I immediately felt relief. I understood that it was His responsibility to teach me, not mine to somehow force myself into getting it right. That realization took away so much of the striving and helped bring me into a place of peace and relationship with Him. In simple language, I didn’t have to “grunt out faith” trying to prove myself acceptable to God or anyone else for that matter. I could trust that He would teach me, be with me through my journey bringing me into greater wisdom through maturity and relationships.

The outcome of my physical healing came because I said, “Lord, why wouldn’t I want to be healed?” I heard the words cutting through like a surgically fine sharp knife. He said, “Because you needed the attention and you couldn’t take any more responsibility.”  Confronted with truth. I knew deep within me that I was being gently reproved which required an “honest” response.  I said, “You’re right, Lord. I don’t want to be healed. I don’t even want to want to be healed! So there!  But I know your word is true so I give you permission to get me where I need to be, but I’m not even going to help you out.” I was released of the responsibility of being a wife, mother and daughter for a month while in the hospital. People cleaned my house. Comforted me and prayed for me. There is more detail, but explained in another BLOG. I was not aware of any of this until God confronted me.

As I have been processing my way through this current grief, I said Lord, I know all the correct scriptures to use and how I am supposed to think, but I don’t know how to work my way through this. Show me Lord. Speak to me, teach me how to walk through this time. Speak truth so that nothing is hidden. No fear or judgment can give permission for a lie to remain hidden.

One of the things that came was to write down every thought and every question before the Lord. I laid it all out word by word, thought by thought, emotion by emotion, lie after lie, God’s truth to counteract those lies. I began to experience a sympathetic revelation about decisions that were final and could not be undone or were beyond correction.

My journey:

Lord:  Did you do this intentionally? On purpose? (leave the ice on the ground)

Me: NO

Lord: Were you focused on what you were doing?

Me: NO

Lord: Are you a responsible “Chicken mom?” (feeding, protecting and taking good care of them)

Me: I try to be

Lord: Do you make mistakes?

Me: YES

Lord: What can you do differently?

Me: I don’t know

Me: Lord what can I do differently? I know all the “shoulds”. Help! Can we do a redo and correct the error to change the outcome?

SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT

Have you ever had regrets? Done something that ended up poorly? Was permanent (death or injury); irreversible?

Can you forgive yourself? Is it more important to put value on what people think rather than what God thinks?

Romans 8:1 “There is therefore now, no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.”

1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us and cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

PERSONAL REVELATIONS:

In the process of questioning myself, I began to experience, even in a small way, what so many people must feel when something suddenly happens that cannot be undone. I started taking on the doubt. I could see myself beginning to agree with a strategy that was pulling me away from the truth.

I thought about the grandfather whose baby granddaughter slipped through his arms as he was holding her on the rail of a cruise ship. The parents whose babies died in hot cars because having a newborn had not yet become part of the normal routine in their minds. Their thoughts were focused on old habits, old responsibilities, and old patterns that had not yet adjusted to a completely new responsibility.

I thought about young honeymooners who fell off a canyon taking honeymoon pictures. I thought about people who, in a moment of despair, believed suicide was the only answer and left behind devastated family and friends. Different situations. Different circumstances. But the result is permanent. And then come the questions. What if? Why didn’t I? How could I have done that? Was it my fault? Those can become the “final results” the Accuser (Satan) of the brethren wants us to accept.

Because of so many challenges in my life right now, I began to doubt myself. I found myself slipping back into an old conditioning I had lived with for many years – doubting myself, doubting who I am, and doubting my identity and authority with God as His daughter. Little by little, I began opening the door for a lie to take hold in the name of being honest and open.  But underneath it was fear – “What are people going to think?” That was the real lie I needed to address.

Just a couple of days before Hei Hei died, my friend’s dog became sick. I had been using rat bait in my back yard because I had an invasion and the regular rat traps were not working.  I wanted it stopped. I wanted the chaos it was causing stopped.  I kept the bait out of reach, but I also knew it was in the yard. We thought he might have gotten into rat bait. We rushed him to the Vet Urgent Care office. It was expensive, but it brought a peace of mind when we found there was no rat bait in his system. Then my sweet Hei Hei died. And the questions started.

Whether we lose a loved family member or friend, or pet, each is a gift to us. Each encounter, relationship or knowledge of another person grieving is an opportunity to bring God’s love to the moment that is the only thing that will also bring peace and healing,

I was praising the Lord for the healing in my son in laws body who had a stroke just a few days before. He is alive and back to work.

We tend to often blame the devil for our actions. The only weapon he has Is deception (looks and feels real, but is not) and strategies (those circumstances) to get you to believe the deception. He provides opportunities; we decide how we will react. Is it Truth or a lie?

2 Cor 10:5 NKJV “casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.”

In the end, I still don’t know what caused my chickens death. It really doesn’t matter. I needed to address the doubt and accusations coming at me and put an end to it. I’m at peace and know I will see my sweet Hei Hei again one day. [I know this sounds strange, but I keep having visions of my husband, Tom, going “Oh no, a chicken!” as Hei Hei greets him in heaven just waiting for me to come pick her up!” haha!] It’s ok to laugh.

NOW WHAT?

Did this story touch a place in your heart?

Did it begin to open an area in your life that you may have buried?

Ask the Lord, “Have I buried a truth in my life that you want revealed so that I can be healed? If so, what is it? Show me and prepare me to receive it with an open heart to You.”

Don’t go searching. If He has some unfinished work, He will reveal it in His time.

PRAYER

“Father, I break off any trauma associated with that moment in my life. I break off any judgments I made against myself or others. I repent for blaming myself or others and release the pain associated with the incident. I receive your love, forgiveness, healing and peace. In Jesus Name”

If you do not have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ as your Saviour:

John 3:16 – “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”

Right now! Say, “God, I accept the death of Jesus on the cross for my sins and invite Him into my life as Lord and Savior. Teach me who you are. AMEN”